Alabama Family Law Blog

My friend Ben Stevens of the South Carolina Family Law Blog has posted the third in his great series on the Secrets to a Happy Marriage. Here is the link.

I would change the title of this one to "words matter" or "words are powerful". But, his point is well made.

Even those happily married could benefit from this advice, "praise your spouse often in public and in private."

If more of our prospective clients put into action the "secrets" that Ben's guest blogger, Dr. Kuhne, is sharing we'd have to find another source of revenue. And, that wouldn't be a bad thing. The truth, is however, that the demand for family law attorneys is not declining anytime soon. To do so would take a major shift in our culture that does not currently seem to be on the horizon. The entire article is also continued below.

So far we have amassed two great secrets to helping married couples function with more honesty and empowerment. In review, secret number one was: No hidden accounts -- full disclosure of moneys. Secret number two was: Each spouse must become a skilled cryptographer or develop competent communication skills. Each of these secrets is intended to add to what both spouses are already doing well creating a healthier, and possibly happier, marriage.

Secret number three: Words empower -- praise your spouse often in public and private.

It is rather easy at the start of a marriage, or even after years of marriage, for many couples to begin to gnaw on the other. Those little things that each does that totally irritates the other - small comments of complaint or disgust to the other spouse for the way they look, what they do, how they are, what is said, etc. Over time these small forms of rejection build up to form an emotional wall that forms between you and your spouse. Even if such small comments are unintentional or even part of your relationship, those comments do emotional damage when it need not.

Words can do allot of damage and equally words can bring inner healing and health. We all long for our parents to praise us for succeeding in life, for choosing a good partner, for having beautiful children, or for carrying on the family values. Equally, spouses long to hear those powerful words of affirmation from the other. Spousal comments can have the weight of parental comments.

More than just words of affirmation, praising the other spouse when you are out in public draws attention to the spouse's strengths and abilities. It is a way of recognizing the VALUE you place in your spouse. It is more than just bragging on them, it is attaching the high value to them by recognizing their importance to you.

I know many of you reading this know well enough the complaints both husbands and wives have shared about the other in public places. I don't need to share here the kinds of things you all have said about your spouse. We have all done it. But the bad part is how damaging it is to the other spouse, much like being slandered in public. Every time you share with another person a deficiency or problem in your spouse, you are slandering an aspect of your marriage, your covenant with them. You are actually lowering their value to you and after a while the sum of all they are can get quite low. If your marriage was a value stock on the emotional stock market, would it gain in value over time or lose in value over time?

Husbands: note the patterns in your life with your guy buddies as to how you speak of your wife to them. Do you praise your wife in front of them, noting the things she does well and the appreciation you have for her. If you begin to do this, your friends will begin to be envious of you and your relationship. They will wish to be like you. What a strong witness that can be for both your marriage and your faith.

Wives: note the patterns in your life with your girl friends as to how you speak of your husband to them. Do you praise your husband in front of your girlfriends, do you tell them about the things he does well and your appreciation for him? If you start doing this, they will wish they had as great a husband. What a powerful witness it is for a wife to praise her husband in public.

I certainly do not think that you have to lie and make up something about the other spouse. This isn't about ego or trying to psych them into doing something right. It is about acknowledging the strengths and abilities of the other. It is about attaching a high value that is rightfully present.

It is important to praise your spouse in public, where others can attest and lay witness to your statements, but it is equally important to speak praise to your spouse within their listening range. Spouses, take moments to tell the other what you appreciate in them. Speaking words of praise to your spouse in private gives feedback directly to them, helping to strengthen their emotional foundations in the relationship. Tell your spouse what they are doing well and how that makes you feel. Share with them that you feel stronger in your faith because of their support for you. Tell them that the words of beauty and the words of love are meaningful and helpful.

Words are powerful elements within our culture and life. As you find yourself praising your spouse for their strengths and abilities, you will find yourself thinking more about them in your day. And the small things that irritate, even the mistakes that are made, seem more manageable. Such communication with your spouse creates a healthier environment by which to address the things that may be getting in the way of the relationship.

Words are indeed powerful! Put that power into action by praising your spouse in public and private. Start today!

Grace and Peace, Dr. Trey Kuhne

Great post, Michael. I couldn't agree more about praising your spouse in public. Everyone loves to be recognized and appreciated.